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Internal Struggle



Photo credit: www.freeimages.com/Marcin Krawcyk
I feel like I’m on the verge of giving up. I’m emotional, angry, hurt and feeling defeated all at the same time. It feels like I’m on this island all by myself trying to serve God but I don’t feel like I’m getting it even close to right. The more I long for Him an praise Him the more it seems like things are going wrong.
I love God an I have this hope and expectation in Him. This burning desire to live for Him and be used by Him. But what in the world….this season I seem to be in is so conflicting. I miss my church family where I was growing in ministry to now be in a place where not even so much as a prayer is being asked of me. I had a fight with my husband about being late all of the time for church. Why is it I’m the only one who desires to be on time in my house? I can’t even begin to comprehend the chaos that is going on with all of our kids. And it’s like I’m drowning in trouble on every side.

Through all of this all I want is to serve God with intention and a grateful heart. I want to be used by Him and for Him and to be completely obedient to His word and His way. I just want my lifestyle to line up with Jesus. This morning all I could hear down in my spirit was, for God I’ll live and for God I’ll die. Romans 14:8 says, “For whether we live, we live unto the Lord; and whether we die, we die unto the Lord: whether we live therefore, or die, we are the Lord’s.” But what stands out more than anything is in verse 7 that says, “None of us lives for himself [for his own benefit, but for the Lord], and none of us dies for himself [but for the Lord].” ‭‭ROMANS‬ ‭14:7‬ ‭AMP‬‬

I don’t know how many may be struggling in the same way but I’ve come to encourage myself!! I WILL lift up my eyes to the hills for which cometh my help. Lord help me to be still and continue to wait expectantly for your timing and Your direction. Help me to learn wisdom in this season and to not grow weary in well doing. Correct me when I’m wrong and let my heart be open wide and accepting to that correction. Heavenly Father help me to live out the desired lifestyle that is pleasing in Your sight privately as will as publicly, for Your glory. In Jesus name, Amen.

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